It's been so long
49
Thinking late at night, you start to worry...
Source: My Cannon
I'll write these words
with shaking hand
My neck wet
with sweat
Our future so insecure
in this moment.
I can only see his eyes
He tells me not to worry
but all I can think
about is the life
we'll never have.
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Do you think I should add more space between each separate thought within the stanza? I do see what you mean. It isn't very long and some space would create the pauses and depth I need.
For example,
"He tells me/
not to/
worry./
But all I can think/
about/
is the life/
we'll never/
have."
I always find re-working a piece to be difficult because I start second-guessing my changes. lol
Pearldiver 3 months ago
Interesting poem, you have to time your words in this piece to increase the power of so few words used... spread out the tentative thoughts of uncertainty and you will do great justice to this work... thank you for sharing.. If you don't like my observation and suggestion.. then delete it and please don't be offended.. Read your poem out aloud and slowly.. and I'm sure you will see what I mean.. Take care.